CHRISTIANS JOKE AND QUESTIONS

We have collect some Fun questions and joke,reply and add more.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruth-less.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Honda,
because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old Reese:

'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,

Harold is His name.

Amen.

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A little boy was overheard praying:

'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm having a real good time like I am.'

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After the christening of his baby brother in church,

Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied,

'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,

and I wanted to stay with you guys.'

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One particular four-year-old prayed,

'And forgive us our trash baskets

as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'

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A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they

were on the way to church service,

'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'

One bright little girl replied,

'Because people are sleeping.'

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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,


'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,

'Ryan, you be Jesus!'

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A father was at the beach with his children

when the four-year-old son ran up to him,

grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore

where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.

'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said,

'Did God throw him back down?'

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A wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

'Would you like to say the blessing?'

'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.

'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,

'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

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And if you don't send this to at least 8 people ----- who cares?!

Peace, love and happiness

Posted by Josh

You know the most perfect cuple in the history!
Adam and Eve
No parents to disturb..
No other woman to look at..
No other man to compite with...
No other who have a new mercedes..
No other who have a big house
No other...

yes what more?

no parents to be nanny

Jesus hjælper Skt. Peter
Det var en dag oppe i himlen. Jesus kommer gående ned mod indgangen til himmeriget og ser, at der er en kæmpekø. Han går hen for at snakke lidt med Skt. Peter.

"Oh, jeg er glad for at se dig. Jeg er ved at blive sindssyg af at skulle sortere alle de her mennesker. Gider du at tage over i et par minutter, så jeg lige kan få en pause."

Det vil Jesus egentlig gerne, men han har ingen anelse om, hvad han skal gøre.

"Ikke noget problem. De der skal ind er godkendt på forhånd, og deres navn står i bogen. Det eneste, du skal gøre, er at snakke lidt med dem, medens du kigger efter deres navn. Hvis de ikke står i bogen, så bare sig, at det ikke er dig, der plejer at stå her, og bed dem vente, så klarer jeg den, når jeg kommer tilbage."

Så Skt. Peter smutter, og Jesus tager over, slår navne op og snakker lidt med folk. På et tidspunkt kommer der en ældre gut hen til ham.

"Hvad lavede du så, medens du levede?"
"Jeg var tømrer."

Det gør straks Jesus nysgerrig, og han spørger, om manden havde nogen børn.

"Ak ja, en søn, men jeg mistede ham."

Nu begynder Jesus at få sine anelser om den gamle mand.

"Det var trist. Hvordan så han ud?"
"Ja altså, han lignede vel mere eller mindre alle andre bortset fra, at han havde huller i hænderne og fødderne."

Jesus smiler, slår armene ud og råber: " FAR."

Hvorpå den gamle mand overrasket gisper: "PINOCCHIO!!"

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Den rige mand
There once was a rich man who was near death.
He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to
heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him.
"Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him.
Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St.Peter.
St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
The man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm
supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase, curious to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind
and exclaims,
"YOU BROUGHT PAVEMENT?!!!"

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Præst på besøg
En ny præst fik tjeneste i en ny by. En lørdag tog han ud for at besøge nogle af kirkens medlemmer. Det gik også fint, indtil han kom til et hus, hvor der tydeligvis var nogen hjemme, men ingen åbnede døren, selv efter at præsten havde banket adskillige gange på døren. Til sidst fandt han en lap papir og skrev "Johannes´ Åbenbaring 3,20" på og klistrede sedlen på døren.

Da præsten næste dag talte sammen, hvad der var blevet lagt i indsamlingsbøssen, fandt han sin seddel. Under hans "Johannes´ Åbenbaring 3,20" var der tilføjet: "Første Mosebog 3,10".

I Johannes´ Åbenbaring 3,20 står der: "Se, jeg står ved døren og banker på; hører nogen mig og åbner døren, vil jeg gå ind til ham og holde måltid med ham og han med mig"

I Første Mosebog 3,10 står der: "Jeg hørte dig i haven og blev bange, fordi jeg er nøgen, og så gemte jeg mig."

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2 gode grunde til at gå i kirke
En søndag morgen, kom en mor ind på sin søns værelse for at vække ham og gøre ham klar til kirke.

Men sønnen råbte "NEJ, jeg vil ikke ... Og jeg skal med glæde give dig to gode grunde til at jeg ikke gider."

Et! De kan ikke lide mig.
To! Jeg kan ikke lide dem.

Moderen svarede prompte "Og jeg skal gi’ dig to gode grunde til at komme af sted"

Et! Du er 54 år.
To! Det er dig der er præst.

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Præsten på jagt
Det var tre jægere, der var ude og jage! Den første skyder en and, og hans hund løber ud efter den og kommer hurtigt tilbage. Den anden skyder også en and, der falder ned i en sø, hans hund svømmer ud efter den og kommer hurtigt tilbage. Den sidste jæger, som var præst, skød også en and, som også faldt ned i søen, men hans hund gik lige så let på vandet. De andre stod og kiggede på ham, så sagde den ene: "Det kan godt være, at du er god til at skyde, men din hund kan jo ikke engang svømme!!!"

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Paven som chauffør
Paven havde netop afsluttet en tur til østkysten og tog så en limousine til lufthavnen. Da han aldrig havde kørt limousine før, spurgte han chaufføren, om han ikke kunne få lov til at køre lidt.

Chaufføren havde ikke meget valg, når det nu var paven, der spurgte, så han steg om bag i limousinen, og paven tog rattet. Paven træder speederen i bund for at se hvad limo'en kunne klare, og når op på omkring de 140, da han ser de blå blinkende lys fra en patruljevogn i bakspejlet.

Nå, han trækker ind til siden, og betjenten kommer hen til hans vindue. Da betjenten ser, hvem der sidder bag rattet, siger han: "Lige et øjeblik, jeg skal lige kontakte centralen."

Betjenten kontakter centralen via radioen og spørger efter chefen. Han fortæller: "Jeg har lige standset en MEGET vigtig person, og jeg vil godt vide, hvad jeg skal gøre."
Chefen svarer "Hvem er det, ikke George igen?"
Betjenten svarer, "Nej, meget vigtigere."
Chefen spørger igen "Det er ikke Guvernøren, vel?"
Betjenten svarer, "Nej, endnu vigtigere."
"Er det da præsidenten?"
"Nej, endnu mere vigtig." svarer betjenten.
"Hvem POKKER er det da?!", skriger chefen.
"Jeg ved det ikke", siger betjenten, "men han har paven som chauffør."

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Hvor mange skal der til at skifte en pære?
Hvor mange Karismatikere skal der til at skifte en pære?
Én - de har alligevel altid hænderne i vejret!
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Hvor mange Calvinister skal der til at skifte en pære?
Ingen - Det ville være spildt arbejde, Gud har alligevel forudbestemt hvornår det bliver lyst!
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Hvor mange Liberale skal der til at skifte en pære?
10 - de er nemlig nød til først at holde en debat om den elektriske pæres eksistens, og bliver de enige om at de eksitere, kan de ikke bare udskifte den, af frygt for at støde dem der bruger lysstofsrør!
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Hvor mange Katoliker skal der til at skifte en pære?
Ingen - de bruger kun stearinlys!
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Hvor mange Evangelske kristne skal der til at skifte en pære?
Ingen - Evangelske kristne udskifter ikke pærer. de læser istedet manualen og håber at pæren derigennem udskifter sig selv!
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Hvor mange Ateister skal der til at skifte en pære?
Én - men han vil nu stadig være i mørke!
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Hvor mange Brødre fra Brødremenighederne skal der til at skifte en pære?
Skifte??
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Hvor mange Pinsefolk skal der til at skifte en pære?
10 - en til at skifte den, og 9 til at bede mod mørkets ånd!
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Hvor mange TV-evangelister skal der til at skifte en pære?
Én - men for at at håbets budskab fortsat kan udbringes, så send dit bidrag idag!
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Hvor mange Uafhængige baptister skal der til at skifte en pære?
Kun én - fler en det ville blive betraget som brud på eneboerlivet!
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Hvor mange Paver skal der til at skifte en pære?
10 - Én til at skifte den og ni til at fortælle hvor god den gammle var!
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Hvor mange Lægmænd skal der til at skifte en pære?
Lad os se der skal vel et par komitéer til at komme igennem idefasen, så lad os se, omkring ... 30!
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Hvor mange af Guds tjenere skal der til at skifte en pære?
5 - en til at skifte pæres, og 4 til at servere forfriskninger!
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Hvor mange karismatikere skal der til at skifte en pære?
3 - en til at skifte den, og to til at gribe ham når han falder!
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Hvor mange Konservative Anglikanere skal der til at skifte en pære?
3 - en til at skifte den, og to til at protestere hvis den der skifter pæren er en kvinde!
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Hvor mange Missionærer skal der til at skifte en pære?
10 - 5 til at regne ud hvor mange der kan skiftes inden år 2050 - fire til at skaffe de økonomiske midler, og en til at finde landet at gøre det i!
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Kristne scorereplikker
Pæn bibel, du har der!
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Undskyld, må jeg gerne bede sammen med dig!
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Kender du Jesus? Hvilket tilfælde det gør jeg også!
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Pænt armbånd (WWJD) Who would Jesus Date - Øh, jeg mener "Do"!
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GUD sagde til mig, at jeg skulle snakke med dig!
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Jeg kender tilfældigvis en lille hyggelig kirke, hvor vi kunne gå hen og snakke!
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Undskyld, har du brug for hjælp med at bære din bibel, den ser tung ud!
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Hvad med et knus, søster!
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Har du nogen planer for i aften, hvad med et bibelstudie hjemme hos mig!
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En af mine venner sagde, at jeg skulle gå herover og tale med dig. Han sagde, at du er en rigtig sød pige. Han hedder forresten Jesus!
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Ordet siger: "Giv den tørstige noget at drikke" og "Giv den sultne noget at spise". Så, hvad med middag i aften!
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Undskyld mig, jeg tror, at et af dine ribben tilhører mig! (kan kun bruges af drenge)
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Er det en synd at stjæle, for du har lige stjålet mit hjerte!
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Har du nogensinde prøvet at bede i en biograf før!
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Tror du på guddommelige bestemmelser!
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Kristne kan ikke nøjes med at give hånd - kristne må bare give knusere!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Hvad med, at vi går hjem til mig og ser "de TI BUD" på fjernsynet?
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Har du helt tilfældigt hørt om en sød kristen pige, som jeg kan elske af hele mit hjerte og opvarte resten af mit liv? ( kan kun bruges af drenge)
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Fryser du? Præd. 4:11: "Og når to ligger sammen, kan de holde varmen, men hvordan får man varmen, når man er alene."
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Praleri
Tre drenge i skolegården praler af deres fædre.
Den første dreng siger, "Min far kradser et par ord på en seddel og kalder det et digt, de giver ham 500 kr."
Den anden dreng siger, "Det er ikke noget særligt. Min far kradser nogle få ord ned på en seddel og kalder det en sang, de giver ham 1.000 kr."
Den tredje dreng siger, "Den kan jeg slå. Min far kradser nogle få ord ned på et stykke papir, han kalder det en prædiken, og der skal otte mennesker til at samle pengene ind!"

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Ideelt ægteskab
Adam og Eva havde et ideelt ægteskab. Han behøvede ikke at høre om alle de mænd hun kunne have giftet sig med, og hun behøvede ikke at høre om hvordan hans mor lavede mad.

REPLY flere vitser:

En lille profetvits

Her skal nævnes en iransk vits, som Naser Khader hørte i Iran for en del år siden og som omfatter profeter fra de tre store monoteistiske religioner:

Ayatollah Khomeini, den iranske revolutions fader, kommer i himlen. Gud, Moses, Muhammed, Jesus og de andre profeter sidder og venter - alle rejser de sig op for at hilse og omfavne Khomeini - undtagen Gud. Han bliver siddende. Bagefter spørger de ham:
"Hvorfor rejste du dig ikke og hilste?"
"Jeg var bange for at han skulle snuppe min stol."

Jeg har trods alt været gift med din søster i 36 år ...

Forestil dig dette her: En lys og munter søndagmorgen. Fuglene kvidrer. Græsset er grønt, og folk er på vej i kirke.

Forestil dig så, at Satan beslutter at tage en tur ned til jorden for at skræmme de trofaste kirkegængere. Døren til kirken springer op, og en sort sky svæver ind i kirken med Satan i midten.

Forestil dig dette: Total panik. Folk hopper ud ad vinduerne i ren og skær panik. Alle flygter på nær to personer. Den ene er præsten, den anden er en ældre landmand. Satan måber et øjeblik, så hvæser han til præsten: "Du, jeg kan forstå, hvorfor du ikke løber. Du er præst, og du prædiker imod mig hver søndag. Du er ikke bange for mig", men du (henvendt til landmanden), ved du ikke, hvem jeg er"? "Jo", svarer landmanden, "jeg er fuldstændig klar over, hvem du er og", fortsætter landmanden, "jeg er lidt overrasket over, at du ikke ved, hvem jeg er". Jeg har trods alt været gift med din søster i 36 år".

Jeg skal bare børste tænder på ...

Det var bondemanden, som en dag så, at der var en mand på vej hen i hans private kirke med tandpasta og en tandbørste i hånden. Bondemanden skynder sig hen for at spørge om, hvad han skal. Manden svarer: "Jeg skal bare børste tænder på HelligÅNDEN".

Og så var der pastoren der sagde ...

Og så var der pastoren der sagde ...

En kristen mand må kun have een kone. Det kalder man monotont.

Markus kap. 17 vers 1-30

En præst sagde en søndag, at hans prædiken næste søndag ville handle om at lyve, og at menigheden derfor skulle læse mark, k 17 v1-30

Næste søndag, imens han foldede sine papirer ud foran sig spurgte præsten hvor mange der havde læst mark k17v-1-30. Og alle hænder fløj op i vejret.

Præsten smilede og sagde " det glæder mig at se at alle herinde har læst mark k.17 v1-30. Men siden Markus evangeliet kun har seksten kapitler vil jeg nu begynde min prædiken om at lyve."

Noget, du ALDRIG hører kirkegængere sige ...


1.Hej, det er min tur til at sidde på den forreste bænk i kirken.
2.Jeg var simpelthen bare så fortryllet, at jeg ikke engang opdagede, at din prædiken fortsatte 3 timer.
3.Jeg synes, at det er meget sjovere at fortælle mit vidnesbyrd, end det er at spille golf.
4.Jeg har besluttet, at jeg fra nu af vil give 500.000 om måneden til kirken.
5.Jeg melder mig friviligt til at være den permanente afløser til søndagsskolen.
6.Hvad med, at vi glemmer alt om mindstelønnen. Lad os betale vores præst, så han/hun kan leve, som vi gør.
7.Jeg elsker bare, når vi synger salmer, der er så gamle, at ingen rigtigt kender melodien til dem.
8.Alle er kommet, så hvad med at vi starter vores gudstjeneste tidligere i dag.
9.Skal vi ikke sende vores præst ned til det der bibelseminar på Bahamas.

Q. What kind of lights did Noah have on the Ark?
A. Flood lights!

Story: There was a mayor, a banker, and a pastor who went fishing in a row boat. As the morning progressed, the mayor ran out of worms. They had a large container of worms located with their gear, but it sat under a shade tree along the edge of the lake. "Guess I'll go over and get some more worms," the mayor told his companions. The pastor thought they'd soon be rowing back to shore; to his shock and amazement, the mayor stepped out of the row boat, walked across the water to the shore, retrieved a bunch of worms, then again walked across the water to arrive at the boat. As the mayor carefully got inside the boat, the pastor glanced at the banker, to see if the banker was equally amazed. But the banker hardly gave the mayor more than a glance as he was more interested in fishing. The pastor thought to himself, 'This is a miracle! And all the banker can do is fish?' Soon the banker also ran out of worms. "Guess I'll go over and get some more worms," the banker announced. He too stepped out of the row boat, walked across the water, retrieved some worms, then returned to the row boat from across the lake. The pastor was totally amazed! 'Two miracles! I can hardly believe it!' A few minutes later the pastor ran out of worms. The pastor glanced at the other two men but both were intent on catching a "big one" and paid him no mind; the two definitely didn't want to be bothered with rowing back to shore. Then the pastor thought to himself, 'I am a preacher and pillar of the community! Am I going to sit here and be outdone by a lying politician and a greedy banker? If they could do it, I can do it!' So the pastor said to his two companions, "Guess I'll go over and get some more worms." The pastor stood, took a deep breath, then stepped out of the row boat. And immediately fell into the lake. The mayor and banker pulled the pastor up from underneath the surface of the lake and hauled him back into the boat, patting the pastor on his back as he coughed up water. Embarrassed, the pastor thought to himself, 'Surely I can do this! I preach about miracles every Sunday!' So as soon as the other two men returned to their fishing poles, the pastor stood and again stepped out of the boat. And again disappeared under the water with a mighty splash. As the pastor's head bobbed up and under the surface of the lake, he thrashed about and cried out for his companions' help. The mayor and banker sighed with disgust, having to interrupt their fishing yet again. As they moved over to pull the pastor back to safety once more, the mayor said to the banker, "Think we ought to show him where the rocks are?"

Ponder these thoughts with me.

An old man sauntered up to the Pearly Gates and greeted Jesus. Jesus asked him what he accomplished on earth. The old man humbly shook his head and responded, "Well, my life was not anything special, I was only a carpenter. But I had a very special son. Sadly, I lost him."
Jesus nodded, "YOu lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well," the old man began, "he had holes in his hands and feet..."
JEsus gulped, leaned forwrd, and solemnly whispered, "Father?"
THe old man peered at JEsus seriously and whispered back, "Pinnochio?"

Be careful what you wish for.

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen!"
God, in his infinite wisdom,
granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose,
Cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the children,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and
Picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners and
Stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then, it was already 1P.M.
He hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry,
Vacuum,
Dust and
Sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the children and
Got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and
Got the children organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and
watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30
He began peeling potatoes
And washing vegetables for salad,
Breaded the pork chops and
Snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the children,
And put them to bed.

At 9 PM
He was exhausted and,
Though his daily chores weren't finished,
He went to bed
Where he was expected to make love,
Which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning,
he awoke and immediately
knelt by the bed and said: -
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy
my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh! Oh! Please,
LET US TRADE BACK.
Amen!"

The Lord,
in his infinite wisdom, replied:
"My son,
I feel you have learned your lesson
and I will be happy to change things
back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait
NINE months, though.

You got pregnant last night!"

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried
tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything that
they could think of. Finally, in a last-ditch effort, they took Tommy
down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on
his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight
to his room and starts studying. Books and paper are spread out all
over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed.
She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he
marches back to his room without a word. In no time he is back hitting
the books as hard as before. This goes on for some time, day after day,
while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, Little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it
on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great
trepidation, his mom looks at it, and to her surprise, little Tommy got
an "A" in Math. She can no longer hold her curiosity.
She goes to his room and says, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well then," she asks,
"was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was
it??
Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school,
when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling
around."